Teacher is holding a session with her pupils, and suggests a theoretical scenario:

'If you could have your skin replaced with something else, what would it be and why?'

Teacher asks young Gary:
"Well... I would like skin made of gold" says Gary
'Gold' replies teacher with faked surprise 'Why Gold, Gary?'
"Every time I scraped myself and the scab fell off I could sell the scab and buy a BMW"
Teacher laughs at Garys ingenuity and moves onto clever Jenny:

'Tell me Jenny, what would you like your skin to be made of and why?'
"I want my skin made of Platinum Miss" clever Jenny states, smugly, continuing before Teacher can interject: "because platinum is worth more than gold, my Daddy works in the bank and says so... and when I cut my knees I can sell the scabs and have enough to afford a Ferrari"
The whole class, Teacher included laughs. Teacher moves unenthusiastically onto rough Billy (from the Estate):

'So Billy... what would you like your skin made of and why? Remember you cant choose Gold or Platinum' Teacher enquires 'which is another type of precious metal' She adds, condescendingly
"PUBIC HAIR, MISS"
'Wh- what?' Teacher blurts out, totally flabbergasted:
"Pubic hair, Miss 'cos my big Sisters only got a small patch now, and theres always all sorts of flash motors parked outside 'er 'ouse"

Two monkeys were getting in the bath.
One said "Ooohhaaaoohhaaa!"
It was a cold bath...

Oh dear, it looks like I've killed the thread with my awful joke. Sorry.

Not at all. I liked your monkey joke, Rob. It sort of reminds me of:


Two muffins are cooking inside an oven.
One starts to fan himself and says, "Damn, it is hot in here..."

The other one says, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Man teasing ex-wife's new husband: "How's the 2nd-hand fanny?"
New husband says: "Its great thanks... after the first 3 inches, it feels Brand New..!"

Man walks into WH Smiths & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks?".
Girl says... "It's not in yet."
He replies "Yeah, that's the one!"

Marriage is like a pack of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

A blonde calls up a pizza shop and orders a pizza, the chef asks if he wants it cut into 6 or 8 slices. The blonde replied "6 please, i don't think i can eat 8"

3 guys go camping in their new tent.
After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"
The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"
The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing ..."

I bought the wife a memory stick, its great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Amy Winehouse meets Princes Diana at the pearly gates.

Winehouse asked her: "why do you have a black halo?"

To which Diana replied "you must still be off ya head love, its a steering wheel"

Taffy, Jock and Paddy are chatting.
Taffy says: "Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"
Jock says: "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat" Paddy says: "That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

What goes ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring...ARRRRGGGHHHH!!

Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

Man marries mute girl.
He says "We must work out a code. If I want sex I'll stroke your breast. You reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES or 162 times for NO.

I spent some time by the wìfe's grave today.
She doesnt know; she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I was sitting opposite a really sexy Thai bird on the train this morning. I thought to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... but she did

Got stopped outside the chemist earlier today by a woman with a clipboard.
She asked me what products I used for grooming.
You can imagine the look on her fucking face when I replied
'Facebook, Haribo and lost puppies'

Rocked up to my dyslexic mates house the other night, and he was putting shoe polish all over his willy.
I said mate, I told you at midnight you had to turn your clock back!

A duck walkes into a pub;
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No we don't serve bread, sorry.
Duck: can I have some bread?
Barman: No! I just told you we don't serve bread, just beer.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me for bread one more time I'm gonna' nail your beak to the bar!
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any bread?

A black man goes for a job at sea, the Captain says have you had any experience away at sea? No the black man says, but Im honest! The Captain takes him on, and off they sail. After 3 weeks at sea the black man is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps him overboard. The first mate goes running to the the captain, you know the black guy we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he's just fucked off with your mop!

What do you call a woman with two cunts?

Jedward's mum

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. I don't know, but how did she escape from the kitchen, and who gave her those shoes?

A group of nuns are queuing up at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. Saint Peter says to the first nun, "I'm sorry sister, but before I let you in, I have to ask you- Have you ever touched a penis?" The nun considers for a moment and then says. "Well once I did touch a penis, just with the tip of my finger." Saint Peter sighs and says, "dip your finger in the holy water and you can pass through." So she does. Then he asks the second nun in the queue, " I'm afraid the same goes for you sister. I must ask you- have you ever touched a penis?" The nun turns bright red and says "Well, actually I did give a man a hand job once" Saint Peter tsks and says "Alright, dip your hand in the holy water, and you may pass." So off she goes. Suddenly there's a commotion at the back of the line and one of the nuns cuts in front of the other one in the queue. Saint Peter shouts at them "Oy! You two! What do you think you're doing? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Come up here and explain yourselves." So, the nun who butted in front of the other one says, "Well Sir, if I'm going to have to gargle with that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it!"

How many paddies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5.
One to hold the bulb, the other 4 to stand in each corner and drink enough whiskey to make the room spin.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a chequered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the fucking salt!!!!

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Kate Middleton - the first person to squeeze into Diana`s ring since Dodi al Fayed...

Last night I dreamt I was the author of the Lord of the Rings. I was tolkien in my sleep.